reminisce
i realised i forgot to blog about tuesday!
got wind that RV actually moved to the old SA campus and decided to go take a look along with some of my friends. mixture of memories all around. the teachers of my secondary school, the grounds of my JC. especially the cafe and the student centre. so much time of my 2 years in SA are spent in those places. the exterior looks the same, but the subtle changes of the interior speaks alot.
i was betting with them that the teachers will deifinitely not recognise me, cause i am so confident that i changed too much for them to place me as any of their students.
wrong! almost all the teachers who actually remembered our class recognise me!! they commented that i still have the same face so they could remember. -.- even the physics teacher could point to me and say "i remember you!" and i dropped physics for goodness sake. bah.
but mr lim and mrs look said i look prettier. teeheehee.
but seiously, i find myself recalling more of the memories i had in SA than those of the RV times. sigh.
seriously, i don't know what i'm doing sometimes. BAH.
"如果说很想你代表说遗憾占据太多比例 我应该常提醒自己寂寞很轻"
chiongggg.
bought new pretty bras today and ate my fill at the buffet place. the amount of food that my family can stomach is scary. i think i was already stuffed halfway through.
zouking zouking. cute guys galore! too bad the only time i have had the courage to dance with him, he's no where to be found. haha. oh well. at least there's chris. :)
after what shu told me, i am more or less certain of what i think i will do. i must stop doing the wrong thing. and curb those that my heart desire. let myself go. i promise the things i do will be in the forgiveable range.
if only memories can be erased like pressing the delete button on the computer to rid of data.
i miss him. terribly.
something shook me, and suddenly i just couldn't stand it anymore. breaking down again and again. enduring the fist that seem to never want to stop clenching my heart. regret is something that brings about no chances except deeper depression. worse, knowing that you brought it all upon yourself, with no one else to blame, to vent all the angst on.
maybe i'm just not good enough.
senior's camp.
not sleeping for 2 and a half days is taking a toll on me. not to mention getting sunburnt, playing all sorts of games, and walking the whole of the bloody sentosa to get from one game station to the other.
yes i just came back from the senior's camp. with a lobster-red body. i'm cooked! :( shall bring sun block next time.
was freezing on my way home and regretting violently about not bringing my jacket. and thinking about alot at the same time. my feelings are becoming something that i cannot fathom nor control anymore. is that good or bad?
hongkong trip confirmed! eating and shopping and disneyland here i come!! alot of people are telling me that it would be a waste of money to go hk's disneyland, but then i won't know if i'll ever get to go to another one so yep, i'm insisting that we go!
ocbc's pay finally came through. phew. i'll be able to get out of my poverty finally.
party till dawn.
just reached home.
tonight is a night of embarrassment, heartbreaks and surprise. i realised i haven been to zouk for a long long time. and my first visit after a long hiatus actually ended up this way. i don't know to feel happy or upset.
i'm sorry if i did anything wrong. i just don't know what to say or how to behave now.
but i still enjoyed myself. i am not ready to move on as yet, but i will be. i hope.
announcement.
i don't what to feel now.
at 2335 on June 20th, i am officially alone again.
don't give me the bullshit of if we are meant to be, we will. cause i know whether you will come back better than you do.
i am numb. i really am. startling realisation.
cheering up.
many things packed in a few days again. haha. funny and exciting but i am lazy to type them out. i guess we are lucky/unlucky to have met them? hmmm.
mt faber at night is erm, peaceful, scandalous and embarrassing at the same time.
it's dying. i can feel it.
timetable's planned! i get fridays off. :) i can see the long holidays ahead of me. minoring in soci is probably the best choice for me. at least i can say i love the sibject. :)
brighter thoughts. i need brighter thoughts.
smile!
:(
i hate crying over nothing. a flash of an incident here, a sudden reminder of the past there. enough to make me sob non stop and feel lousy for the rest of the day.
for what, i wonder.
the answer is getting clearer day by day. the only thing now would just be when he's willing to actually speak up about it.
i don't think i can stand the disappointments and pain much longer. it's so antagonizing to watch your phone, willing it to ring, and when it finally does, it's not from the person you most badly want to hear from.
my heart is dying. the least i can do is to let it die as quickly and painlessly as i can. unfortunately, this is not up to me.
it was not as smooth and easy as i thought it would be. funny how i thought i would be able to walk away just like that. but anyhow, we'll see how things go.
new craze! YSL Baby Doll Lucky Game Eau De Parfum. :)
not much of a glimmer of hope here.
when i realised that it lasted more than what he ever experienced, i was jubilant. i thought that meant that it's the real thing, that we will last. i should have thought of the possibility that he will get tired of it, of me, since he never made it for so long before.
he could be too busy, too overwhelmed with work stuff to entertain me, to take care of me.
"i thought we discussed this before."or maybe it's just my own failure. something i didn't manage to do well enough. something that is missing. that maybe i am just not a good girlfriend. or not suitable to be a girlfriend at all.
he needs to think, needs to sort what his heart wants him to do. but somehow i already knew the answer.
or maybe i would be wrong.
i hate to place my feelings and emoions on someone else's hands. i hate it. i don't want to grovel. i noe it would do neither of us good even if i tried. and i know it cannot be saved this way. and i think i've compromised enough to have this kind of privelege. the privelege to have a clean cut if that's what he wants.
but i really thought i did my best.
surprises surprises.
had exciting birthday celebrations these few days. anyway, first shoutouts to the birthday girls:
happy birthday angela and angeline!! hitting the big 2 is no joke. must play more mj to prevent your brains from aging k! surprises that are merticulously planned, with the masterminds panicking last minute hoping their tricks will hold through. haha. glad that it all paid off. :)
any idea how to be depressed yet look happy? no mean feat, and i failed terribly. i should really do something about my droopy lips.
